I need to be challenged by a guy to be interested in him. If he isn’t challenging me I wonder what the point is. I don’t want to always be right. I don’t want to always be in control. If I am I don’t bother. There is no point.
I can have a relationship all about me by myself. I see no reason to compromise my freedom to have someone tag along. I want to be submissive in a relationship, but that requires someone worth submitting to. If I submit without the guy dominating, then I’m still in control, thus defeating the point.
I’ll admit to shittesting. I call it holding a conversation but it serves the same purpose. I want to see if a guy can keep up, if he can make me think. If he is easily thrown by a unexpected comment, if conversation stops. I don’t want to have to hesitate to say something because it might make him feel dumb, or end up lecturing him on a topic. I like to play devils advocate to explore options. If a guy just follows my train of thought around with out effecting it, then why should I be saying it aloud?
I didn’t always relise this is what I was doing. I broke up with one boyfriend after multiple conversations on how I needed someone who could, well hold a conversation. He was a die hard, Rush Limbaugh loving Republican at one point in his life. I convinced him in two hours he really wanted to vote for Hillary Clinton. I didn’t mean to. I just was pushing him in his ideas to see if he could push me in mine.
There was another guy who I had a crush on for two years before I dated him. We were friends and would talk about everything. Religion, politics, social issues. We disagreed on a lot of things but respected each other enough it didn’t matter. After we started dating his views changed to match mine. I tried pointing this out, I didn’t like how conversations now were him agree with me all the time. He said he hated the way I would look when he disagreed or if I “won” a debate how he would feel. So he stopped. I stopped finding him as attractive. I don’t need a “yes man” as a partner. We had a weird break up. I tried explaining how frustrated I was that he always agreed with me now and he got mad that I was saying those things.
I don’t feel guilty about this. I want to be the girl in the relationship. I feel bad people get hurt. I never like that. But I need to feel safe not being in control.
